The Rest of The Story
by Stick97
Summary: Ever wanted to hear the other side of the story? Now you know the rest of the story! Apologies to Paul Harvey
1. Donde es el Bano?

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing!**"

* * *

Sam was in a desperate situation. He simply had to find a restroom!  
He had to piss so bad his teeth were floating!

He had made his way into the castle, knowing it was against the rules,  
but he did not have time to make it to his regular watering spot.

He had been in the dungeons about to enter the male restroom, when the  
door flew open and a small turbaned man came rushing out followed by a  
visible cloud of fecundity with an undertone of garlic.

The little man squealed, and probably would have soiled himself if he  
hadn't so obviously emptied his bowels (and from the stench, quite  
possibly both legs as well). As he ran off screaming, Sam  
scrambled away from the pit of despair the man had left behind.

As he headed off looking for another restroom, he realized the little  
man may have no solid left in his bowels, but that he had expressed an  
equal amount of gas from his lower half as he had in his screaming  
fit.

Crop-dusting little bastard!

Merlin, it smelled like a foul mixture of rancid horse meat, garlic,  
and mothballs. And people wondered why he had become a vegetarian?

He would need a long bath after this. **Arrgh!** he had to stop thinking  
about _water_!

Finally he came across another restroom. He noticed the witch symbol  
on the door, but it was either this or piss on the wall. He looked in  
either direction and hurried in, ducking to fit.

There was a snuffling sound in one of the stalls, but hopefully he  
could be done with his business and back in the forest before the girl  
finished.

He quickly went to the sink, (there was no way he could fit in a tiny  
stall) pushed his loincloth to the side and let loose.

As a cloud of steam raised from the sizzling sink, he groaned in  
relief. As a troll, the incendiary nature of his urine was a  
definite hazard. There was a small quarry in the Forbidden Forest  
that was his usual stop, but it had simply been too far. He knew that  
Hagrid would eject him from the forest if he caused another fire.

After shaking off the last few drops of flaming urine, and running the  
sink to wash it away, he knew that the greasy little man would be quite  
upset if he knew that he had just relieved himself in the castle.  
While the greasy one never collected it himself, he had provided  
several large containers to hold the fluid for collection by Hagrid.  
Something about magical may palm?

Suddenly, Sam was pulled out of his musings by an ear-splittingly  
shrill scream. He turned to see a small girl screaming at the top of  
her lungs. He was so shocked he raised his arms and screamed as well.  
He tried to calm the girl down and apologize, but slipped slightly on  
a spot of mold. Trying not to crush the mobile howler of a girl, he  
overcompensated and swung his arm holding the interesting piece of  
driftwood he had found by the lake he was planning to carve when he  
got home.

Oh, that was bad.

He had just destroyed several of the stalls and the sinks in his spin.

Luckily, he had missed the girl who was now cowering in the corner.  
He had to calm her down quickly, or this would not end well.

He was trying to talk to the girl, but obviously the fumes from  
earlier had a mild psychotropic in them. In his mind, he was trying  
to gently calm the girl down, with his palms down, whispering  
platitudes, and making soothing gestures.

Unfortunately, the girl had also been affected by the fumes as well,  
and saw a growling, roaring troll shaking a club at her. The heat  
from the smelly flaming troll urine probably exacerbated things as well.

Sam heard another voice, and raised his hands in relief. Finally!  
He could simply explain the situation, apologize, and get the hell out  
of the castle, and wash the assfunk off him from that little turbaned  
bastard.

The next thing he knew, there was a stick rammed up his nose,  
scrambling his brain as if he was being lobotomized. The last thing  
he saw was a ginger blur, and that piece of driftwood floating over  
his...

"...what the hell was Sam doing in the castle?..."

"...know the Board will have your wand if they know you were  
sheltering two trolls in the forest Alb..."

"...es, yes, well for the Greater Good, we'll just cover this up won't we?  
Bind him magically to the bridge in the forest, and we'll Imperius  
Suzy to help guard the stone. Yes, that will be perf..."

Sam woke up with a raging headache and barely able to speak, laying  
on a small pallet of leaves under a bridge in the forest.

As he tried to collect his scrambled thoughts, he knew one thing.

One, next time he would simply start a damnable forest fire.

Make that two things!

Two, he would find a way to break the binding and piss on that bearded  
bastard's grave!

* * *

A/N - this came about from a discussion on another forum. It got lost in my head and took several wrong turns. You can probably expect to see Sam pop here and again in some of my other stories. No offense to anyone named Sam, I actually posted elsewhere and they did not like the name, so it's my name now. So put away those pitchforks! I am bashing myself, well at least my name :) And I may actually add other stories under this title, so it is incomplete for now. Depends on the feedback I get.


	2. The Life of Brian

Apologies to Monty Python.

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"

_Italics-thought_  
**Parseltongue**

**CRUNCH** **CRUNCH**  
"Ssssome thingsss in life are bad,  
They can really make you mad,  
Other thingsss jusst make you ssswear and curssse,  
When you're chewing life's grissstle, _My but that's a tasty rat!_  
Don't grumble,  
Give a Hisssss  
And thiss'll help thingss turn out for the bessst.  
And..."

**"Hello? Is there someone here? I sort of fell down a hole and ended up here and when I talked to the snake..."** came a smooth, cultured voice.

_A S-Speaker!?!? Thank Set! It's bad enough I got left down here so many seasons ago by that bastard Salazar, but I have had that stupid song of Grandad's stuck in my head for the past 500 seasons! Everyone else in the family gets named a cool name like Skeltor, or Deathbringer, but I get named after Grandad's old master. Honestly, how great a master was he if he got crucified!?!  
_

**"WHO DARESSS KAFF! COUGH! COUGH!"** _Nice Brian, first speaker you meet since Salazar, and instead of making a good impression, you nearly choke on a stupid rat, and spew half digested rat all over him!_

**"Sssorry, give me a second...HACK HACK Oh Ssset, that'ss better! Ssorry the lisssp sshould go away in a sssecond or sso. I bit my tongue. Ok, ssso who are you and how did you end up down here? **_Got to play up the whole King of Serpents thing here, otherwise he'll probably try and act like I am his familiar or something idiotic..._

**"Well, I was minding my own business and I just fell down this hole and ended up here."** said the young man wearing the robes that were similar to the ones Salazar himself had worn.

**"Right kid, rattle the other one for me. Give me the truth and your name, or I will be crapping your bones out to match the rest of those you're standing on in a few days!"** said Brian.

**"Err.."** At this the boy straightened to his full meager height and threw his shoulders back, and said in a haughty tone, **"I am Thomas Marvolo Riddle! I am an..."**

**"Right kid, Tom it is, so how the hell did you get down here? You smell like a mundy and if you weren't speaking Parsel, you'd be Basilisk droppings already." **said Brian, as he coiled ready to strike if his BS detector went off again.

**"Uh well, you see I was snogging with my girlfriend in the girl's loo, and I was trying to get her to... Well, I asked her to open her mouth and the next thing I know I am falling ass over tea-kettle down this great bloody hole." **said Tom in quite the rush, as he glowed bright enough to overcome the flickering of the Everlit (tm) torches.

**"You're shitting me? You were trying to get a hummer and that's how you discovered the Chamber of Secrets? Set, you probably are related to Salazar himself! He always was a perv! Putting the entrance of his 'Secret' Chamber in the girl's loo. Dirty old monkey-faced pedophile!"** ranted Brian.

**"What do you mean I could be related to Salazar Slytherin? He was the greatest of the founders! What do you know of him!"** shouted Tom.

_Crap. Oh well, in for a scale, in for a shed skin._

With that Brian and Tom had struck up an odd friendship. (Brian really was desperate) They had discussed Salazar and his family history, where it turned out Tom actually was related to the old monkey. Tom brought down the odd treat from the castle's kitchens, and Brian was actually enjoying his miserable existence for once in the past 1000 years.

Then of course there was the little accident.

It really wasn't Brian's fault.

"If life ssseemsss jolly rotten,  
There's sssomething you've forgotten,  
And that'ss to laugh and sssmile and ssslither and ssssing.  
When you're feeling in the dumpssss,  
Don't be sssilly chumpsss.  
Just purse your fangsss and Hisss.  
That'sss the thing.  
And..."

**"How would you like to see my snake, Myrtle? Just let me open"** drifted down the voice of Tom from the girl's loo.

_Oh great! I finally get to meet Tom's girlfriend, I hope she's nice, frankly Tom is kind of an arse!_

Brian had popped his head out of the open entrance to the Chamber and saw Myrtle on her knees in front of Tom.

_Wow, he has her trained right! Good to see that she knows how to worship the King of the Snakes properly! Bit of a bobble head though...  
_  
Brian chose that moment to peer over Tom's shoulder and change the course of wizarding history forever.

**"HI!"** hissed Brian.

Unfortunately for all parties involved, Brian had very, very poor timing. Myrtle was worshiping a trouser snake, and was not expecting a 60 ft Basilisk to appear over the boys shoulder, as she moaned in enjoyment. (Her mouth was full after all.)

A series of unfortunate events followed. Myrtle was petrified and died due to the gaze of the shocked Basilisk, who had opened the second membrane covering his eyes and preventing their normal deadly glare. Tom lost the ability to reproduce with out magical insemination of his partner. And Brian was quite traumatized as well. He needed bleach to get that vision out of his head. And unfortunately, he was so traumatized, that he could no longer close the protective membrane over his eyes.

So Tom had tricked him into the small chamber behind the statue of Salazar and trapped him there under a stasis charm. He also said something about no longer having a use for his little black book, and had cast very dark magic upon it, wiping it clean of the names, addresses, statistics, and rankings he had painstakingly entered. He did promise to pin the blame on someone else so that they would not come looking for him, and that he would return to free him.

So Brian slept under the stasis charms until he heard a familiar voice calling him.  
**  
"Brian, are you there? Wakey Wakey!"** came a voice that reminded him of Tom but sounded...off.

_Sssykknrxxx Whazzat?!?_ **Tom? Is that you?** asked Brian. As the mouth of the statue opened, he slithered out to find...

**"Oh for the love of Set, come on, can't you get enough of these little Lolita's??? I mean come on the last one bit off your todger! The least you could do is go for one with grass on the pitch! Experience is a good thing! Tom? Tom? Where are you Tom?"** ranted Brian.

**"Right here asshole!"** came Tom's voice from the...she couldn't be more than 9 or 10 years old!

That began what was probably the worst season of Brian's life. The little ginger had been possessed by Tom in an effort to return to life. Unfortunately, while being weak willed, she did have a remarkable focus on one thing. She seemed to be infatuated to the point of stalking the young boy Harry Potter. Which of course just sent Tom even further off the deep end. Turns out Tom had become a Dark Wizard action figure look alike (no boy parts) and had tried to kill Potter as an infant. He had been killed and only lived on as a shade in his old little black book. So while Tom was trying to be reborn, he had to work around the little stalker girl.

It had actually worked out well, as all three had been in a bizarre discussion about how to take care of the cocks that could kill Brian. The ginger had gotten quite excited about that, and said that she had been listening to the older girls on just that subject earlier in the week. She said her mother told her that to land Harry she would need lots of experience with handling cocks.

It seemed there had been a definite misunderstanding between the ginger, Tom and the older girls. Every time the girl called him from the Chamber she had been doing ...AWFUL things with those poor dead roosters. He had tried to run away and ended up petrifying several innocent children. He tried to avoid the odd couple of the millennium, but Tom was too strong.

Brian was singing to himself morosely, when he heard the call again. He really wished he could just curl up and die. He had no desire to see those two crackpots again. Maybe if he kept singing and stayed curled up in the antechamber he could ignore them.

"For life isss quite absssurd  
And death'sss the final word.  
You must alwaysss face the curtain with a bow.  
Forget about your ssssin.  
Give the audienssse a grin.  
Enjoy it. It'sss your last chanssse, anyhow.  
Ssso,..."

Brian had heard Tom talking to someone, and oddly enough he could understand the other male voice as well! _Oh praise Set! Please let this speaker not be a certifiable nutcase like the last two!_ He had uncoiled, and tried to make his way out of the statue's mouth as fast as possible.

**"Look, I don't know what this crazy ginger tranny has told you, but I didn't want to have anything to do with their crazy schemes! I mean the things they did with a rooster! Those things will kill me, and I felt sorry for them! You've gotta believe me! Get me out of here and..."**

_Oh shit. Is that a flaming turkey? Oh no, please don't let it see me. Those damn things think my eyes are a delicacy! SHOO! SHOO! Go take a flaming crap on a Inferi or something!_

**"ARRRGGGHHH!"** screamed Brian as his eyes were plucked out and devoured by the phoenix.

_That tears it! I am going to make that little bastard Tom Snake droppings like I should have when I first met him. Damn, they both smell the same. Oh wait, one of them is running. Tom knows he is in for it now. Run Monkey boy! Run!_

_GOTCHA BITCH!_

Ow!

What the hell!

HE JUST STUCK A SWORD IN MY HEAD!! BASTARD!! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!

As Brian's life faded he sang a last song to himself to ease the pain.

"Life'sss a piece of ssshit,  
When you look at it.  
Life'sss a laugh and death'sss a joke it'sss true.  
You'll ssssee it'sss all a ssshow.  
Keep 'em laughing assss you go.  
Just remember that the last laugh issss on you. _Think I winged the little bastard, I hear him screaming now! Serves you right! Dirty monkey humping pedophile!_  
And...

Alwaysss look on the bright sssside of life.  
Alwayssss look on the right ssside of life.

**hisssssssssss**

A/N Wow. There is something wrong with me. That was some f'd up shit. But guess what? I already have plans for the next chapter, and they make this look tame. No more Voldy/Myrtle shenanigans to worry about though. Honestly, what girl ghost would admit to dying after biting off someone's bits? And why the hell else would a guy be in the girl's loo?


	3. Demented and Confused

Ch 3 Demented and Confused

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing**!"

_Italics-thought_

David was slowly making his way down the hall, absently scratching his neck when he caught a whiff. _Ooooo! that was the good stuff!_ He followed the tantalizing scent and stood outside of the compartment preparing himself. He could see that the ice was forming on the glass windows of the compartment, as he focused on dropping the temperature. The colder the better the hit! The smell was overpowering, and he was getting a buzz just being in the hallway outside the closed door. As he entered the room, he coughed and tried to ask who had the stuff, but all that came out was a hoarse rasp. The kids in the compartment all backed away as he looked at him, wrinkling their noses at the foul smell of urine and decay rolled off of him. One of the kids actually had green flashes of light hovering around him, and David knew he had found the one with the stash. He shakily raised a pale emaciated arm and asked for a hit. The boy seemed terrified of being caught with a stash and scrambled backwards. As the boy fell to the floor, convulsing and screaming, David leaned in closer and began to draw in the wispy white smoke that he craved so badly.  
_  
Ohhhhh yeaaaaaahhhh, that's the shit maaaaannnnnnn!_

Just as he was really getting into the hit, a white flash distracted him and he started to cough, releasing the smoke back out.  
_  
Damnit! Oh shit that hurts, what the hell was that?_

He quickly fled from the train, coughing painfully, all the while wondering when he could get another hit. He continued coughing for several agonizing minutes, wondering if he had made the right to decision to leave the magical clinic...

FLASHBACK

David was hanging out with the rest of the guys when the call came in. They needed 100 volunteers to head out to Hogwarts for some sort of work release guard duty BS. David quickly pushed his way to the front of the crowd and made sure he was part of the crew. Azkaban was great and all, but Hogwarts' was the bomb. Several hundred angsty, sexually frustrated teenagers cooped up in a drafty castle? That was like throwing a rave in a crackhouse! Granted, "officially" they weren't supposed to use anything but the authorized substitute magidone dispensers in their cells, everyone knew it was a don't ask don't tell type situation. If you were caught, no more trips away from the clinic. But when an opportunity like this came up, you'd be a fool not to take it. Hoping that there could be a few minutes here and there where he would be "unsupervised" he signed out of the clinic and joined the waiting crowd to be transferred.

End FLASHBACK

**TROSTROSTROSTROSTROS**

It had been several weeks since that heavenly hit David had on the train. He had told his closest mates about the-boy-who-stoned, and as all good secrets were, this one had gotten out. One of the trustees suddenly called out, _"He's in the clear and in the air! Get him!!"_

Like ghostly cockroaches, they had converged on the stadium, enjoying the haze of heady emotions that were circulating due to the tense atmosphere, the close game, with a spicy undercurrent that said that a few couples were not focused on the game in the sky, rather a game of "hide the broomstick". David saw the boy flying in the air, and called his mates to converge on the primo stuff.

As the boy began to go into convulsions and fell from his broom, David realized he needed to not be involved with the fallout from the accident. Already there were noises being made about sending everyone back to the clinic.

As David and his group fled the scene, they noticed a group of boys who seemed to think they could pass as part of his crew. He motioned some of his mates over to re-educate them, but they quickly soiled themselves and ran squealing like pigs back to the safety of the castle.

_Poser wannabes!_

**TROSTROSTROSTROSTROS**

Pickings had been slim, and aside from terrorizing a few centaurs and that one great buffoon a few times, David could already feel the signs of withdrawal. He really was beginning to wish he had stayed at the clinic. While the magidone was fairly bland, and had no real variety, at least it was a steady fix. Maybe he would return after all, nothing seemed to be happening here any...  
_  
Was that the howl of a werewolf? No wait there was a male and a female! A mating pair!?!_

A mating pair of weres was enough to fry the brains of the whole group for a month or more. He whistled for his mates, and they quickly spread the word. They came upon a clearing, and while the were's had disappeared, they found something to at least tide them over. There was a crumpled man laying by the lake, and everyone started to swarm him. As David took a hit, he swore he recognized the taste. Unfortunately, it had undertones of wet dog, but all things considered not bad at all.

Suddenly, a small boy ran into the clearing and held his wand aloft, shouting something and having small puffs of smoke come from it. It was mildly annoying, but the panic rolling off of him sent an entirely different message.

_Dinner's on boy's! Get him while he's frantic!_

The swarm was so tightly packed that the lake had frozen over and the two humans were shivering and turning blue. Oh, this was going to be some excellent shit!

David swooped down and took a deep hit. The boy was gurgling and he was savoring every bit of it. He heard a noise in the background, but he was focused on trying to get as much of the smoke as possible. Suddenly, he was bumped, rather roughly at that!

_Hey, stop trying to bogart the hit! Wait your turn, or better yet go get a hit off the wet dog over there!_

As David tried to regain his buzz, he was bumped several more times.  
_  
What the hell, where's everyone going? Oh shit, must be the cops!_

David saw a glowing light coming towards him, and suddenly saw a **deer**? _What the hell is going on?_ Suddenly, Dave's buzz was totally gone, as his world became nothing but pain.

He tried to escape, being mercilessly jabbed by the painful antlers on the glowing animal. He begged for mercy as he fled...

"_Don't patro me bro!_" **ARRRGGGH!!**

Harry crawled over to Sirius to make sure he was okay. "Sirius, I think that I saw Dad, I saw prongs, wait, what's that? I can't understand you..." Harry leaned over Sirius who was still shivering and blue, but seemed to be recovering. He placed his ear over Sirius' mouth and heard him whisper...

"Damn Demonic Crackheads!"


	4. I am Female, Hear me ROAR!

Cranky and Pregnant are a terrifying combination! mild bashing

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing!**"

**Ch 4. **I am Female hear me **ROAR**!

Helga was in a foul mood. First those other bitches had been jealous about her new children with her husband. Then the little whores had all gone and gotten knocked up as well. Of course while they had all gotten fat and dumpy, she simply glowed. She kept having the most insane cravings for pickled snorkack and frozen nargles, and couldn't get comfortable to save her life. Then they all get told they have to go on a business trip and that she has to of course bring the kids with her.

After a miserable trip with Cathy, Suzy, and Wanda all complaining the whole time about everything and anything, she was ready to kill someone. Worst of all, she missed her husband. She was with child and everyone knew what that meant! Of course the trollop trio had no problems there. They were happy for the attention that little red head meatbag kept paying them. They really were low class harlots. Honestly! He was a little pervert, and if he kept sniffing around her, she was going to show him why she was the undisputed Queen of the group.

Then she found out what the trip was all about, and she was livid. She gets brought over from Romania for some sort of stupid Wizard game show??

Oh, someone was going to _burn_ for this!

So now, here she was stuck in a dumpy little paddock surrounded by a crowd of howling meatbags! If they woke up her children early she would immolate all of the little snacks on legs. They had "chained" her in place, which was simply humiliating. Who still uses rusty iron shackles? They clashed horribly with her shiny black scales and bronze horns. The least they could have done was leave her a few virgins to munch on, and made the chains a nice coordinating gold or silver. Low class bastards! No one followed the old niceties anymore. Well at least they gave her a nice large piece of gold. Gold set her eyes off so well!

Then that goofy looking little meatbag wearing a second skin with a odd spinning eye had come out and cast an aging spell on the enchanted chains binding her. She could tell that with a slight shrug they would fall to pieces. Not that she couldn't snap them at her leisure, but it was at least considerate. She had thought about leaving him be, until she noticed his perverted stare, trying to look under her tail!! He had quickly run off after a gentle "correction", whining about his smoldering arse. Were all of these meatbags so perverted? It certainly explained the abundance of virgins in the crowd though...

Suddenly the meatbags all quieted dramatically. From the tent she saw a tiny quivering little meatbag come out. What was this ridiculousness? He was so small he would probably get caught in her teeth. She huffed in frustration! Well, he was at least fast, it would be decent exercise to catch him. Not like that odd googly eyed little meatbag.

Now where did he go? She heard a high pitched shriek again, and looked into the stands. Goodness! That little virgin had a set of lungs on her. She looked especially tasty! She even was tenderizing her face with her own fingernails! Definitely potential there. Maybe she would keep her around to train the other virgins. Oops! back to the tiny meatbag, can't let oneself be distracted. Greta let that happen, and she ended up as a pair of boots for some knight - Greg or Borge or something...

Well, well, well! Seems this tiny little meatbag had some stones after all! He had stood up from behind the rock he was previously cowering under, and was standing in a heroic poise, with his hand reaching up in the air. Poor thing, it was probably so traumatized that it forgot it didn't have a sword.

Ah, adrenaline and terror made the meat taste so good. Now for a quick flambe to give it that delicately crispy exterior and...

Wait! **SNIFF** **SNIFF** That smell was familiar!! The meatbag smelled like that little red headed pervert! And he had a broom?!? What the hell was with these crazy little meatbags around here? Unlike those little whores, she had no desire to be stimulated by a meatbag with a broom and inadequacy issues. That tears it.

**SNAP**

**SNAP**

**SNAP**

**SNAP**

**ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!**

First, she was going to devour that little bastard after she shoved that broomstick right up his arse and made a roasted meatbag on a stick! (See how he liked getting splinters back there!)

Second, she was going to burn this whole place to cinders and ash!

Third, she was going to grab that little virgin, (goodness, but she was loud!) a few more for the wing, and get back to her hubby for some proper attention!

Ooooo look food on the fly! Thought he could outfly a Hungarian Horntail did he?!

As Helga took wing, one last thing was going through her mind....

'Here meatbag, meatbag, meatbag!!!'

A/N Really. I don't know where the hell I get these. I figure the HH is the most vicious of the dragons in canon, so she would have a bit of an attitude after all!


	5. Tastes Like Chicken

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing!**"  
A/N at the end, and apologies in advance.

**Ch 5 Tastes like Chicken**

Melvin really was getting tired of that bearded old bastard. Bad enough he lets those bastards come sailing in with their stupid boat. Nasty thing left an oil slick all the way back to the ocean. Hadn't they ever heard of emission tests? It took a month for the water to clear up and his sinuses to stop bothering him. Then he has to deal with the stupid dragons crapping in the lake. May be a great fertilizer for the humans, but for the mer's it just made the water taste like ass.

Now Beardy McBastard comes along and tells him that the second task will take place in his lake. Great. He's going to have a bunch of kids pissing in the lake to warm themselves up, and Poseidon only knows what kind of diseases those kids from Bulgaria will have. Have to make sure everyone is up on their shots. Then he finds out that two of them will be Veela?

'Fuck me with a rusty trident!' thought Melvin.

If the wife finds out about this, he will be sleeping with the Giant Squid for company. Is it his fault the last time they went on vacation she wanted to go to France? "Oh, let's visit that nice little nude beach!" she says. For Poseidon's sake! It's not his fault he got a little distracted! A whole bloody flock of Veela all bouncing around in the water! It was like chum in the water. He gets caught taking a little nibble on one of the damn girls and he never hears the end of it! Honestly, what is a cold blooded fellow supposed to do? Every merman out there has a taste for Veela! And now he is going to have two of them in his own lake. How the hell was he going to cover this up? He had to get some more information. Maybe that one weepy ghost will show up soon, he could get some more info out of her. Well, if he didn't stick his head out of the water and try and asphyxiate himself in the open air at the sound of her whiny voice at any rate. She could just prattle on and on about how miserable she was. You'd think his wife and the ghost were related! Oh well. Nothing for it but to take one for the rest of the boys. Part of being King and all.

* * *

Well, after a few hours of whining, he had finally managed to get what he needed out of the ghost. It turns out, only one of the Veela was of age. All he had to do now was have the grindylows keep the mature one away from the village, and the other one should pass as a normal monkeyface. Now, if he can just figure out a way to keep the underage one around until she hit maturity...Maybe he could stick her in that underwater cave he kept his scale mags in? Poseidon knows his dried up old wife wasn't doing it for him anymore. Excellent! She was only a few weeks away from having the Veela kick in and fully mature her. She would be prime Veela from what the ghost said about her sister. And even better, she was still untouched! Oh to have an in heat Veela to fool around with. He could tell her he saved her from the giant Squid or something and she would be gullible enough to bond with him! He could get rid of the old dogfish of a wife! Just the thought put coral in the old reef!

One of his flunkies came and told him that the task was underway and that the Veela was already out of the running. Melvin hurried to the village to watch the rest of the event. The funny clownfish look alike with the red hair had been freed by the monkey using gillyweed, smart one there! The idiot who only partially managed to turn into a shark had freed the bushy headed girl, and the bubble boy had freed the other girl. What the hell was that boy doing!?

He was just sitting there looking around! Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here! Melvin sent some of the boys to chase off the boy, but he was being stubborn! What the hell did he think he was doing? Was he too stupid to swim to the surface? The gillyweed would run out soon, and he would drown down here! That was the last thing he needed! Waaaaaay too much paperwork, and the meddling old bastard would be nosing even more into his affairs. He could play off the girl getting eaten by something, but if all three died he would be in trouble.

Damnation! The boy was trying to save the Veela hatchling! She was his!

Melvin quickly sent his people after the boy, telling them to only let him take the clownfaced monkey and that he could not take both. Goodness, but the boy was determined! His gillyweed had already worn out and he was still a good twenty conchs from the surface.

Damn! Damn! Damn! He got both the other monkey and the Veela to the surface!

Melvin really didn't want to deal with the paperwork, and so he had his guards nudge the boy close enough to the surface to be saved. Boy had balls of a sperm whale, hoped everything worked out for him. He would definitely enjoy the bond that the Veela put on him in a few years!

"M-e-e-e-lllllllllVIN!!!!!" came the unholy cry.

**SHIT!**

"Uh, Yes Dear?" said Melvin, as his scales tightened.

"Do you mind explaining to me what the **HELL** you were doing with a _Veela_ in our village?!" asked Mary, Melvin's wife.

"Blame the old bastard! I didn't have a choice, and I didn't even find out it was a Veela until they stuck her in the water!" whined Melvin.

"Uh-huh, pull the other fin, it plays chopsticks! I know about your little fetish Melvin, Mother always warned me that there was something wrong with you. I was so embarassed when we went on vacation in France, you promised me you would behave and..." droned on Mary.

'Somebody kill me please! Is it my fault Veela's taste like chicken? MMMMMMM tasty juicy Chicken!' thought Melvin, as he tried to asphyxiate the voice of his shrew of a wife out.

* * *

A/N Blame this on the following old joke. Yes, I know it's horrible and sexist.

But it is funny too. :)

WHERE'S EVE?

The scene is the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve have just finished making love. God looks down, sees Adam, and asks, "Where's Eve?" Adam replies, "She's down at the creek, washing up." God smacks himself in the forehead, and exclaims "Great, now how am I ever going to get the smell off those poor fish!"

I just got the idea, if the Veela are part birds.....

Now now, everyone put down those pitchforks and torches, no one wants to get hurt. Ma'am what are you doing with that cattleprod...You want to what? Hey! Look! It's Dick Masterson! Sic' em!

**runrunrunrunrun&hide**


	6. Aubesian Fields

Kept wondering how I would write more for this. Then I saw a certain SNL skit, and well...

I am just going to apologize now.

I have heard that there are bulk rates for brain bleach over at this store on 57th.

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing!**"

*TROTS*

* * *

Magorian shook his head in disgust.

Ever since those damnable human children had brought that fat little toad bitch into the forest, things had gone downhill.

Most of the centaurs had merely chased the fat witch around while whacking her with the flats of their spears. Unfortunately, as always, one Centaur thought he would prove his superiority. Damn Bane, and his centaurilinity issues. Yes, he was on the undersized portion of the spectrum, but some of the fillies would look past that. No, what was really a problem, was the fact he had a severe attitude issue. There had been a period where Bane thought he could force himself on Magorian's daughter. She had handled the matter quite concisely, with the vicious application of horseshoe to tender flesh.

Magorian had to smile at the recollection of that. His daughter had been able to hit an exceedingly small, rapidly moving target, strictly on instinct. Even with the vicious beating she had administered to Bane, the requests for her hand in betrothal had gone up. She proved that good hunting instincts definitely bred true.

Unfortunately, Bane had become a right prat over the whole thing, and was constantly threatening anyone or anything who came into the forest. He was the reason they were currently under a high threat level, and constant guard duty.

Perhaps he needed to assign Bane to Acromantula duty? It was a hazardous position, with a high mortality rate, but he really couldn't think of another fitting end.

He shook his head once more, regretting ever allowing Bane to join the herd.

The fool had decided to dispose of the little toad witch. The rest of the herd thought Bane was taking her off to kill her, or feed her to the spiders.

The howls coming from the woods had been unearthly, leading many to think that perhaps Bane was being crueler than needed. After all, inflicting undue suffering led to bad omens and portents as every foal was taught when they first began learning of the stars.

Bane had come back, sweaty and smirking, prancing about like a proud little filly on their first day as an adult member of the herd. The rest of the herd was a bit nauseated, thinking he had brutally killed a human.

Then the whispers and rumors had started.

Brave strong Centaur warriors had been found whimpering, and trembling, their proud eyes glazed in horror. They had no memory of what had befell them, merely a chafing in their nethers, and horrible, screaming nightmares. None had died, so they knew the monster killing the unicorns had not returned, but there was something horrible out there. Patrols had been combined, but even teams of two centaurs had not been enough to overcome the horrors.

Finally, a third female member of the herd was being dispatched with each patrol, to act as a hidden guard, to prevent the assault on the males. One of the patrols had been attacked, and the female had been able to chase off the monstrosity. It appeared the little toad witch, had been dominated by Bane in an unholy manner. It turned out, Bane had been quite desperate for any sort of female attention, even outside his own species. At least Magorian now understood why the Unicorns and Thestrals had been so skittish around the herd lately.

The Toad witch had acquired an insatiable taste for centaur flesh it appeared. She would stun the centaur she found on patrol, and then cast an Imperious on the hapless warrior. She would have her foul way with the cursed into willingness male, and then cast an Obliviate on the molested member of the tribe. She had made a regular habit of it, and the centaur filly who had rescued the traumatized pair of males, had begged to be Obliviated herself.

The centaur filly had managed to wound the little toad witch with a well placed arrow, and she was viewed as quite the hero by the male portion of the herd now. Of course, it had only been a minor wound, and now the males of the herd were starting to get nervous once more. Magorian knew that the witch had power, and was highly placed in the ministry. He had to come up with some sort of solution, before the insane and insatiable size queen pushed through some sort of unfair law.

Magorian was suddenly brought back to reality, as the flapping of an owl's wings drew his focus. He removed the parchment from the owl's outstretched limb, and paled upon reading the attached proclamation.

It appeared the witch had decided that the Centaurs were a threat, and wished to have the males and females separated into different camps that she would be supervising...personally.

Magorian shuddered.

Suddenly he had an epiphany. Bane had been a thorn in his side from the moment he joined the herd. Perhaps it was time for him to earn his keep after all.

It had been long abandoned, but it seemed it was time for the Special Liason to the Ministry position to be filled once more.

As the old fool in the castle often said, "There must be sacrifices made for the Greater Good" after all. Magorian and the rest of the herd simply referred to it as the "Better you than me!" philosophy. He smiled, moving to a trot, as he prepared to deal with the two banes of his herds' existence. Maybe he could dig up a special saddle for Bane to wear for the little toad witch?

* * *

A/N- I always thought Bane was an annoying pain in the ass, and frankly he seems the type to get freaky in secret. Umbridge deserves everything she gets in my book, and I actually have even worse than this planned for her.

And yes, even worse than the ging a trois I subjected her to in Love Potion # 9.


End file.
